Football Isn’t Coming Home and That’s Okay
Soccer is one of Britain’s favourite pastimes—although we call it by it’s real name. Football—and almost every kid, young adult, and manbaby with a console has at least 1 copy of Fifa (or PES) laying around. I myself am no stranger to a good kickaround, but sometimes I just want a lighter, less simulated experience which is why Super Soccer Blast initially appealed to me.
Wish I hadn’t bothered.
Super Soccer Blast Review
He Shoots! He Scores! He’s Bored!
Super Soccer Blast keeps the standard 11 vs 11 format, the standard Fifa control scheme—albeit quite diluted—and the primary goal of… well, getting goals, but drops pretty much everything else you’ll find in a typical football match.
This isn’t to say they’ve added anything new and innovative or even changed what we all take for granted. Instead they’ve simply just not bothered, which I guess isn’t a huge problem as the game itself is an arcade experience and not a realistic simulation. Still, I would have liked to be able to gamble with some of my key passes, but such things like the offside rule doesn’t exist here which doesn’t really matter anyway because the AI are so rigid with their positioning that you wouldn’t be able to pass to a player behind the defensive line even if you wanted to.
Super Soccer Blast doesn’t even let you change your formation. Every team seems to be using 4-3-3. But if you don’t know what that means, it simply just means that everything about Super Soccer Blast is default. Except the art style, which reminds me of those collectible Corinthian Bigheads football figurines that every kid seemed to have in the 90s and early 2000s.
I wanted a lighter football experience, but Super Soccer Blast proved to be too light which was perfectly mirrored in its gameplay. The AI is so basic that you can walk the ball from one side of the pitch to the other to score a goal and you don’t even need to be inside the box to do it. You can score from yards out and watch as the keeper fruitlessly tries to block the shot. On the downside, the AI is hard to defend against. They will just walk right up to you with big vacuum feet and suck the ball right out from underneath you and there’s nothing you can do about it.
I would honestly advise anyone willing to give this game a try to play with friends. Maybe after you and the lads have had a few bevvies.
Discovery of the Goal In One!
Speaking of playing with the lads, I managed to rope TheDblTap into finishing off this platinum with me—despite how vehemently against football he is. This is where we discovered just how shallow Super Soccer Blast really is.
The first few games were shockingly enjoyable, at least for me, but it quickly became stale and we ended up focusing more on the laptop we had placed in front of us to binge It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia as we played. TheDblTap, I guess just out of pure boredom and with only a slight hint of protest, held down and we both watched in awe as the ball fired through the air and landed in the back of my net like a comet called Karen who’d like to speak to Earth’s manager.
This would turn out to be the final nail in Super Soccer Blast’s coffin, because it wasn’t a fluke at all. No matter which player has the ball, as long as he stands at the halfway mark and holds to fill up the power bar, he will score 95% of the time. That’s it. That’s all you need to know to play and beat Super Soccer Blast. Just hold .
On the plus side, this discovery was so incredibly brainless that it was actually comical and we started having fun laughing at the game and ripping it to pieces with scathing remarks on it’s sheer emptiness.
If only the developers spent a little more time fleshing out the AI or including some extra strategy options so the entire experience didn’t feel so empty, I probably would have enjoyed it. Instead, I platted the game about a week ago and I’m already starting to forget everything about it.
Super Soccer Blast is probably a game I’d let a child play just to give me some peace and quiet so I can think about mortgages or share minion memes on Facebook (I don’t know what parents do in their downtime).
My Super Soccer Blast Platinum Journey
I started my SSB journey by messing around in the character editor so I could make in-game versions of myself and TheDblTap which led me to create a PlatGet team and placed both of us up front so we could score some absolute screamers like true bros. However, I quickly found out that you can’t use custom teams in World Tour Mode.
With my dreams thoroughly crushed, I used Team PlatGet to play a custom Tournament to earn a single trophy and then threw them away like that scene in Toy Story where Andy doesn’t wanna play with Woody any more.
I accidentally set the match length to 10 minutes during my first World Tour which was possibly the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Still, it gave me a chance to repeatedly volley the ball into the box so one of my players could attempt a bicycle kick, which is purely random.
I played about 2, maybe 3, World Tours before I packed it in. I wasn’t in any hurry to finish this platinum since I had a monstrously large backlog of much, much better games I could be playing instead.
World Tour… With Friends!
During one of my visits to TheDblTap’s place, I managed to talk him into helping me with the last leg of the journey. It was likely the worst thing I’ve done to another human being, I’m sorry… I’m not too sorry though, because thanks to him I was able to finish my painfully dull journey and get the 6 hour platinum that definitely felt like it took 100 hours.
Having fun with the Team Editor
Trying to get a Volley
Grinding through the 5 World Tours
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